Gooey

You know how “romantic” is the word you want when you’re talking about people who stare at each other, all starry-eyed, and talk about limpid pools? What’s the word you want for ladies who are pregnant and full of warm maternal feelings and who maybe get all misty-eyed when they feel their fetus move around?

WHATEVER THAT WORD IS. It does not describe me.

I did not get excited when I heard the heartbeat.

I did not get excited when I saw the ultrasound (SUCH A LET DOWN! I thought people cried or something. Instead we talked about how giant the Lentil’s skull was. “Look, honey, it has your head!” etc. etc.)

Today we were at the hippie midwives and the lady who wears a turban was all gesturing with the fetal-doppler-heartbeat-finder-thingy and “Seth, come over here and find your baby!” and instead of being charmed I was trying out jokes in my head such as “I can’t believe you lost it again“… etc.

(Health care providers don’t like it when you make this kind of joke. When we went to the OB-GYN, the nurse asked what my husband’s name was, and I said “…Seth.” and gestured to Seth, who was sitting right next to me. “That’s him.” and then I said “Just kidding! He’s just some guy I met in the elevator on the way up.” and the nurse said “…”)

I did get slightly excited recently when doing a craft project involving stenciling animal silhouettes on tiny baby bodysuits… but to be totally honest I think that’s more about how much I like DOING CRAFTS.

The middle section of pregnancy, so far, is fine. The major irksome thing is that I need MANY PILLOWS to be comfortable at night. Sometimes Seth says “Do you… want more pillows?” and I demur politely, and then he says “Do you want one of mine?” and I say “Well… I mean, are you using it?” and then I steal it and add it to the pillow fortress surrounding me. And then sometimes Seth has to say things like “Do you think I could have maybe five more inches of mattress?” and I grumble and move over.

Aside from the house of many pillows, and the fact that I have to pee quite frequently, everything is fine. In fact, it’s SUSPICIOUSLY EASY, this second trimester. I keep thinking that it’s probably a big trick. The first trimester was fairly lame, so if the second trimester is suspiciously easy, I can only imagine that it’s designed to lull you into a false sense of security before the AWFULNESS OF THE LAST FEW MONTHS.

The weirdest thing (aside from the peeing and many pillows) is when the fetus crams him or herself down into a ball in the bottom of your uterus and

a) your stomach gets lopsided and lumpy in this kind of horrifying way
b) then the fetus slowly rolls over or something, and it’s like this totally freaky alien movement that is NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY CUTE. It’s just weird. And it makes me feel slightly queasy.

GOOEY FAIL.

PS, check it out! It’s totally a comic about Seth and the Lentil on a long sea voyage:

marriedtothesea.com
marriedtothesea.com

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4 responses to “Gooey

  1. The cartoon is perfect.
    Glad the middle trimester is easy. It is supposed to be.
    And the last trimester may be too. Sometimes we just have
    easy pregnancies and this is a good thing. Hope for a baby
    as easy. Seth wasn’t.

  2. thehandsomecamel

    I was a perfectly charming baby. I went to bed at eight o’clock and pooped lime-scent fairy dust.

  3. I want to help put animal stencils on onesies!!!

    (who doesn’t like a good crafty session?)

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